I have obviously never been divorced before and of course, I am not asking for this one now. I have agreed to not slow down the divorce process and I just keep telling myself that reconciliation is possible after divorce. Sometimes I feel really stupid for being open and willing to take back a man who can’t get out fast enough. Why would any self-respecting person be open to take back the one who has (and continues to) hurt them the most?
I am learning that there is a list of boxes that need to be checked for every person who is going through divorce. I am pretty sure that every person must check every box. Clearly, depending on whether you are the “Dumper” or the”Dumpee” determines your particular response whenever you are forced to check the next box. For me, each check mark comes with a flood -no- a tsunami of sadness and grief.
Box to check #1 – The day he said he wasn’t going to try – I was clinging to my dear friend who was there with me….tears, tears, tears…sleep alone for the first of many, many nights.
Box to check #2 – The first awkward visit with the kids…when he said good-bye to the kids that night, I cried uncontrollably all the way home (and then some). Sobbing like a child. All I could say to my poor stunned kids was “I’m sorry. I never wanted any of this for you.”
Box #3 – The informal division of property and custody issues. I was a bit better as I had limited control over my tears in the moment. I shared with him that I didn’t know how I was going to live alone…a somewhat “respectable” and more dignified breakdown. But I totally lost it when I got home.
Box #4 – the day he moved all of his stuff out. This was the same day we worked out the details. As a side note: this happened on August 29th - the official anniversary of our first date….19 years to the day it started, he emptied our house of his presence and we came to the division agreement.
Box #5 – Today: The Day we started filling out the official paperwork for a legal divorce. You all are on the inside as J just left from the…’activity.’ I’m strong while he’s here but then my brick exterior crumbles like sand and I sit here writing and crying, blowing my nose and crying more….Did you know that I hate crying?!
How many more stupid boxes do I have to check? I still have to get officially served and let me tell you, I don’t even know if I can bring myself to sign those last papers…then there’s birthday’s, holidays, anniversaries and who knows what else?!
I am so grateful that when I am at these low points, I can sit at my computer and Blog to you…my friends. My supporters, my encouragers and faithful prayer warriors.
And while I’ve said it several times, it cannot be overstated that I get to be in daily relationship with my precious babies. When my parents got divorced, my dad was the “dumpee” like me, he moved out and she kept the kids…that must have been fairly brutal for him.
People keep trying to tell me that it will get better; that God has something better for me. They say that the sun will shine again and they tell me how divorce was hard for them too but now….20 years later, they are great friends with their ex’s. I hear it….I just can’t see it…unless I start searching for God’s special manna….and what do you know? – it’s never far away from me.
On the day that J came to pack up his stuff, we were standing in the entryway at approximately 1:30 pm and I said to him… “We’re having an earthquake“…and he insisted that I was wrong. He didn’t feel it but then, it wasn’t really for him. It was for me. It was small but I knew I felt it. Though I dismissed it at the time, when J left, I got onto Facebook and saw all the comments about the 4.1 earthquake that had just hit Yorba Linda.
You know….I kinda claim earthquakes as my thing these days because of the Dream and it was a sweet reminder of July 9th when God told me that I had to “get through the earthquake (the bad) to get to the good.” The earth continues to rattle but it WILL stop one day. Unfortunately for me, it’s going to cost me a lot in Kleenex in the meantime….and lotion for my poor nose (ouch) :-/