It was a Wednesday. Wednesday was the day he said “No” to our family and “Yes” to his “freedom.” Just the night prior I was prostrate on the floor, crying out to God, “How could he love … him?!” (so many questions)…him…?
That love, I thought, was mine and how dare he. I could forgive everything but those precious words were mine and no one else’s. In the two hours that I lay broken in my living room, God in heaven washed wisdom over me that released me from bitterness.
“What is love?” I asked God.
What is Love? My mind zoomed in on the cross. Of course. That is Love. Christ, who was rejected, gave everything up in love. He gave everything up to love a people who rejected Him even though He had healed their family members and taught in their communities. He ate in their homes. And not only them, He gave up everything to love me and to love you. Love is an action, not a feeling. My sadness shifted from myself to Josh. He doesn’t know what love is.
I spent a bit of time, asking forgiveness from God for not showing Josh Christ’s love. I had been selfish. I have always been a taker. Shame on me.
Josh doesn’t know what love is so, how can I blame him for throwing around a word that he doesn’t understand? I knew that what he called love was actually lust. Now, lust is something I understand. Quite frankly, a great deal of my affection toward Josh was based on lust. There has never been a more handsome face. Yes. He doesn’t love him. He is lusting him. . . OK. So, back to the questions.
“God, can I love a man, who does not love me and who is in the act of lusting, and more, after someone else?…a man, for that matter?…”
Once I got through the thinking process, I had already answered my own question. Yes. Absolutely, Yes. Be like Christ. Love him.
12 hours later, he was packing his bags. You see, Tuesday, he had kissed me gently and promised to work on our marriage, to stay with our family, to live in our home, to sleep in my bed. With that promise in my heart, the Lord took me through my revelation. It was at 3am Wednesday that I vowed to Love him, no matter the cost. It was 3pm when he walked out the door. Praise God for guiding my heart that very morning, because I had no idea what the day would hold. But God knew. Just because man failed me, does not give me the right to go back on the commitment I made to God at 3am, to Love Josh with a Christ-like love, no matter the cost.
The cost seems to be considerable but the worst, I suspect is still to come.
Today, I love Josh Graham with a deeper and truer love than I have ever known. And it’s all because God brought me to the Cross that Wednesday.