It has been two weeks since my “perfect” life crumbled all around me. The dust is finally settling and I am having to face new life experiences every day. It sounds unfair that God would be working in ME as much as He has been, rather than focusing all of His efforts on Josh but I cannot deny it. Several people have responded to my blog with concern that I am accepting any blame because clearly Josh is so “in the wrong.” However, I certainly did my part in breaking down the marriage and I am deeply remorseful for that.
Even with all my failures as a wife; the selfishness, the neglect, the pride, I was actually participating in a “higher level” of sin the entire time. I knew what I was doing was displeasing to the Lord. I knew it would result in consequences and yet, I couldn’t stop.
I idolized Josh for many years. I would lay in bed and look at him sleep, admire his strong arms, his handsome face and feel so secure next to him. During those nights, God would prick my heart with the realization that I put more trust in my human husband, than I did in my heavenly Father. I feared for his absence, more than I feared to live without the Spirit. My joy came from being his wife instead being heirs with Christ, a child of the King. I knew it was wrong. I knew I should shift my focus and yet, I never did. I didn’t think I could…and truthfully, I didn’t want to. I thought I had everything I would ever need and that it was all wrapped up in Josh.
Last week, I asked Josh if I could have his wedding ring back. Ironic, since I never really held a lot of stock in my own wedding ring. (You can read about that in a previous post). Josh NEVER liked wearing his ring. This was something I have known for all 15 years of our marriage. Maybe it should have been a clue into his identity crisis. Apparently, he took his ring off the very first night he slept away from the house. Since I knew he wasn’t wearing it anymore, I thought it would be appropriate to get it back from him.
Sadly, he left it at the hotel that first night, “accidentally.” This is what he says. I don’t know if I believe him and I don’t know if his total disregard for the ring is worse than the idea that he just threw it away. Either way, I believe that God, knowing I would idolize the ring, removed it as a source of worship. I was going to wear it on a chain and use it as a reminder to pray for Josh. Doesn’t that just sound all nice and spiritual?… but…..yeah, …Let’s face it, I was gonna get superstitious all over it.
Today, I wear both of my wedding rings; the one Josh slipped on my finger on March 21st, 1997 and my new 15 year anniversary ring. I trade them off on both of my ring fingers. I feel pretty certain that I am not idolizing these rings but I need to wear them as a reminder to myself that, even if I am the only person committed this marriage, – I AM committed to this marriage. God has called me to be faithful and in this time, where my human husband has failed me in a most heinous fashion, I am retraining myself to put all of my worship in the unfailing God above, to bring glory to Christ alone and to let the Spirit have His way in me.
I hope that my journey is giving each and every one of you reason to pause and ask yourselves: Am I being a generous and sacrificial spouse? And, what Idols do I need to remove from my life?
Thank you all for your continued prayed for Josh, myself and the kids.