Every single day, since Josh confessed his infidelity to me, I have had some kind of hope. I’m not sure exactly what I am hoping for but I have lots of hope nonetheless. It started with The Dream. You can read about that in a previous blog post. The night I wrestled with my emotions over what was unraveling, I kept going back to my dream. “You have to go through the bad to get to the good.” It was my first glimmer of hope. God had gone ahead of me and God was present with me. Since then, God has given me tiny morsels to continually fan my hope flicker.
I am Gretel from the story “Hansel and Gretel” and God keeps dropping a tiny piece of bread for me to pick up. The bread I am referring to is the “little things” that God does to remind me He is here. For example:
I had to call my doctor to schedule a test for STD’s. Sad, I know. I never – in a million, Bajillion years would have ever thought I would have to be THAT person (Sigh). But alas – when I called the appointment center, it was the first time these words were going to come out of my mouth and it tasted yucky….(Pause) – (inhale Deeply) “my-husband-confessed-to-me-that-he-had-an-affair-with-a-man-and-now-I-have-to-get-tested-for-sexually-transmitted-diseases!” I blurted out and exhaled…the gal on the other end, ever so sympathetic, apologized and said “that happened to my sister.” (?!) really? Out of all the people in all of Kaiser at any time, this girl was the one to take my call?…that was weird.
Things like this have been happening left and right around me.
The other night, I had a conversation with Josh and I have to be honest, he was horrible and cruel to me with his words (and my love language is words of affirmation – which he knows). I left our meeting, literally feeling my body for bullet holes and asking myself “where does it hurt? I’m wounded.” But somehow God protected me from feeling anything too deeply. However, when I climbed into bed that night, my hope flicker was nearly burned out. For the first time, I was completely deflated.
Early the next morning, I had a breakfast meeting with a gal from church (seriously, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 2 thousand times: How do people who aren’t part of a church community go through life?!) Anyway, as she shared her story, not fully grasping my own souls journey, she re-inflated me so much so that I actually could not even remember what Josh had said that was so hurtful. It was IMPECCABLE timing on God’s part to bring her to me just in the nick of time.
This wonderful woman, gave me a great book to read from Dr. Dobson, entitled “Love must be Tough” and when I was about 3 chapters into it, my dear friend Jackie, texted me and said I needed to listen to a podcast from….(wait for it…)…Focus on the family. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I started listening and within the first two minutes, they referenced the very book that I was reading. I had to laugh. I said aloud “OK God, I know you are here with me.”
The bread crumbs serve two purposes. First, He is reminding me that He is in front of me on my journey. Second, he is guiding me to some sort of destination and I don’t know where that is. My job is to pick up the crumbs, be thankful and keep moving. Much like the Israelites and their manna, there’s just enough for the moment and when it’s needed again, God provides.
Today, my number one priority, besides being the protector of my kids, is Josh’s redemption in Christ. This whole crisis is not for nothing. If Josh was confused about his faith before, he (hopefully) has no choice but to face it head on for the first time in his life. My prayer is that he will find the courage and the strength to cling to what is True and then live the rest of his life with a holy purpose and eternal impact. Thank you for joining me in the battle.