People told me it would come. I thought (hoped) that maybe I was going to be immune. My journey has been so much “better” than most. I have God on my side…blah, blah blah. Today, it’s happening.
A bad day
I woke this morning, very early and felt the urge to pray for him. That was fine. By the dim glow of my cell phone, I journaled a prayer as best as I could. It’s hard to feel the urge to pray and then not know what to pray for. So, the prayer is usually, “Tell me how to pray.” I dozed back to sleep to find myself in a realistic dream where Josh and I were fighting. I’ll spare you the details but what I know to be true, is that the dream surfaced some very real and raw emotions for me. I came face to face with the lethal combination of loneliness + rejection. Deadly. Is it Satan or is it real?
For the past week or so, I voiced to myself that I miss my good friend “Joy.” My whole life has been about choosing Joy. It was easy for me. I surround myself with people who bring me joy and joyful people like to be around me because, let’s face it, I laugh all the time. ALL-THE-STINKING-TIME!
Through all of this, God has swapped Hope and Peace for Joy. I’m OK with that. It’s what I need and God knows best. But boy do I miss joy. I wonder when that will come back.
I read my little devotional book this morning from Sarah Young and today’s talked about finding joy in the little things and sharing it with the world. Ironic that I would read that one today….on my bad day…on the worst day.
My friend Lauren lent me a book called
“Washed and Waiting” written by a Christian Homosexual. This author has chosen to live in abstinence all for God’s glory. I thought that the book would be for Josh but ….I think it was actually written for me and here’s why:
Wesley Hill, the author of this book spends a great deal of time discussing loneliness. Here is what I gleaned from him. Humans crave human contact. Well-meaning people will say that a relationship with the Lord is sufficient but the fact is that’s just not true. God created us all with the strong urge to be with humans, to feel loved by humans and pursue intimate human connections. But for those who choose to suffer with abstinence -despite homosexual urges (and those who did not choose loneliness but rather had it thrust upon them <– I added that part) there is still a solution: A community of Christian Believers. He goes on to share that the New Testament is clear that the relationship that people have within the church is the highest form of love. John 15:13 says “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” Hill also says that if marriage were to be the ultimate expression of love, then God would not abolish marriage in heaven. This paraphrase may not be the best but it’s the gist.
Today, I am crying more than I am not. Just when I think I have a handle on all of this, someone asks me “How are you doing” and then they get a bucketful of tears on their shoulder. Surely my ducts will dry out at some point, right?
I woke up and wanted to stay in bed all day BUT because I know that God has gifted me with an abundance of Christian believers, I blasted out a short text to my closest Gal pals, I put a status on Facebook and I am blogging about the yucky day I am having. You all are a big part of my joy and I must lean on you to help me get through the valleys with your prayers and encouragement.
Today, besides the gift of YOU, I am on the hunt for the little things that God is giving me so that I can CHOOSE to be joyful in Him.