I have spent my whole life struggling with “Identity.” This struggle was birthed in me long ago, when I was a kid. You know, like fighting in the car on the way to church and then putting on a “happy face” when you walked into the church building. A couple of years ago, God revealed to me that I cared too much about what other people thought of me. It was one of the primary reasons why I started my blog “The Poor Little Rich White Mexican.” I had spent so much time pretending to be something else, I had no idea who I really was. The blog served as a quasi-confessional of sorts….A way for me to open up those dusty closets and show the world some of my weaknesses. I was so proud of myself for being so “real” and “authentic.”
PSH! I had no idea then, that I was merely clearing my throat. The concert hadn’t even begun! All of those anecdotes were simply practice exercises for what I would ultimately be called to do. Share. Be vulnerable. Live my struggle in the light so everyone could see.
For almost ten years, we called ourselves the JSKDG family…if you run it all together, it kinda reads “Just Kidding.” I loved it because we were always a fun-loving bunch who cracked jokes and laughed. The “Just Kidding Family” isn’t funny to me anymore because today it feels like our family really was just a joke. Not real…false. Of course, now if you take the J out of JSKDG, the “just kidding family” becomes the “Skidding family.” That sounds fairly accurate.
About 5 months ago, I was asked to speak at my church’s Ladies Luncheon as the Poor Little Rich White Mexican. I spent the entire time talking about false identities we put on ourselves (or that others put on us) and pushed the crowd of women to choose to see themselves through the eyes of the One who created them.
I listened to that message 4 days ago and was shocked to find out that I was actually speaking to my future self. Who Knew?! …. Well, God knew. That is for certain. Even though I had written it, and shared it, it was as if I was hearing it for the first time. If you want to listen to it yourself (and if you have 33 minutes to spare…) you can find it here. Just scroll down to April sometime and click on my name: Sarah Graham.
While it was difficult back then to roll out some my past ‘demons,’ I am SO THANKFUL that God went before me, preparing me for the task at hand. Praise be to God for leading me because today, I have so much freedom to share fairly intimate aspects as my journey progresses. Very therapeutic for me and apparently helpful for others. I also have the ability to share the super personal junk (not appropriate for the world) with my close girlfriends without fear of judgment. The Sarah from 3 years ago would have handled this very differently. Does that ever happen to you? Where you see God’s intricate handiwork in the rear-view mirror?
I have intentionally been trying to verbalize that I am “going to be divorced” in an effort to accept this new part of my identity and it gags me every time. Hopefully I will be able to get over it when I actually have to say “I’m divorced.”
So here goes:
My name is Sarah Graham.
I am (about to be) divorced.
I am the mother of a couple’ of crazy cute kiddos. (My family is NOT a joke BTW)
I’m a musician.
But most importantly,
I am a sinner saved by grace which makes me
A child of the King.
My present is painful but my future is bright.
Who are you?